Changed. Changed...Changed?
I knew that word was supposed to mean something, supposed to somehow sum up how my experience here had effected who I am. I searched through my memory, looking for a memory where the stamp "CHANGED" could be placed. Nothing.
"No. If anything, I feel like I have become more myself." I replied. This thought made me rather sad at the moment. Why HADN'T I changed? Didn't that mean I hadn't learned anything? What was wrong with me that I wasn't changing?!
Over the last few weeks, I have come to realize that my response was correct. I have become more of myself. I know so much more about what I value and want from the world. I do not yet feel adept about searching it out, but at least I know now. Getting into college, deciding my major, deciding where I wanted to study abroad, trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life often makes me feel like I am attempting to ride a runaway dragon without any instructions or reins.
But here, I feel much more centered. This could be because I often am so aware of when I am off balance - when I am cleaning the stove and have no idea if the cleaning spray I am using is flammable and will blow me up when I turn the gas on, not knowing how to thank my Hasidism professor for inviting me over to lunch without shaking his hand or hugging him, smiling and nodding like an imbecile at my beautiful Arab neighbor as she chatters on to me about who knows what. It could just also be that taking myself out of what is normal has helped me to recognize what I require in life.
What do I need in my life?
Friends. Friends who feel like family. Friends who I can make traditions with, who will accept me for who I am, who will push me to be more than I am. Friends who are interested in the world, who I am interested in, who are interested in me. Friends who are challenging and strongly themselves and who like that I am both.
Good food. ALWAYS important. Good ingredients, cheap places to shop at a, a variety of new things to try. People who are always willing to taste what you make and who are constantly experimenting themselves.
Beauty. I buy flowers every week here and they always brighten my day. Beauty in the landscape, in the people around me, in the things I am studying. Often this requires me to be more aware and it helps me to feel beautiful myself.
Tea. It has become a running joke amongst my friends to inquire whenever I enter the room whether or not I would like some tea. If I refuse, they continue to offer it to me repeatedly.
A comfortable bed. SO important.
A hot shower. So soothing, a good place to sing, a good place to think. Plus, when it gets cold out, it is the only way I can warm up.
Challenges. Things to think about. Continuous conversations to have about the mysteries in life. These keep me exploring and wondering and researching.
Free time.
I don't know if I have changed. But I like that I feel more strongly like myself (all y'all who know me might be surprised that I could ever be more strongly myself than I was when I left). It makes me feel like I can face anything with the above tools and I will be able to conquer the world.
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