This is a question that has crossed my mind so many times recently. The question itself, I have discovered, is much more layered than it appears. Thus the answers produced range from the literal to the philosophical.
Literally: I am sitting here enjoying the internet that, after exactly 4 weeks, was FINALLY set up in my apartment!!! Thus, facebook chatting with someone who I can actually talk to if I stick my head out the window and doing other such silly things.
Literally on a bigger scale: Studying dance and religion. Living in Jerusalem, Israel. Going to school.
Emotionally: Trying to find my equilibrium. Attempting to balance so many hours of dance and school with establishing a life, while attempting to maintain connections to those who are much further away.
Physically: Trying not to fall asleep.
Mentally: Trying to wrap my head constantly around all the amazing things that I am doing and what they mean for my life and for the world. A few days ago I was in the Elah Valley, where David fought Goliath. David, who became Judaism's most beloved King, fought the giant Goliath in the valley where I slept a few nights ago. I can see the shining gold dome of the Temple Mount from my living room window. The place where Abraham almost sacrificed Isaac, where Muhammed ascended to heaven, only a few blocks away from the Church of the Holy Sepulchur, where Christ was resurrected. The Western Wall, the Mount of Olives, etc. All these places are a part of my daily life.
Which brings me to the more intense layers of this question. What am I doing here? All I seem to do is go to school. I have had little time to explore or engage with the place in which I am living. This is beginning to drive me crazy. With the week-long break that comes with the Jewish New Year, I plan to explore and spend quality time with this center of so many religions. But at the end of the day, what is it that I want to get out of being here? I am honestly not sure.
I find myself asking this question in dance class, when I am exhausted and staring at the clock, counting the minutes to when we will be done. When I am feeling absolutely hopeless about executing a piece of choreography that we have been practicing for weeks. When I watch the other dancers and hear them discuss the icons of dance, whose work and lives I know so little about. I am immersed in this world but, just like to Judaism, I came so late! It leaves me unsure of where I want to be and unsure of where I am. Thus leaving me feeling unsettled about the correctness of actually being here, in this program. Am I just wasting my time? What do I want to get out of this? What do I hope to do with these two fields of study? Usually when nagging strangers hear about my majors and ask why I am studying them, I simply reply that I love them and will gladly go where the wind takes me.
The wind has brought me here. What will I do now that I am here? I feel so exhausted by the whirlwind way that I have been moving through life, while am becoming so aware of my complete ignorance of the place that I am living. I am so caught up in this bubble of international students, in the bubble of dance students within that bubble and I feel unsure of how to escape. Time itself is moving so quickly. How to take advantage without being dashed to pieces?
The optimistic, strong Elisa who got me here with so much passion and curiosity and drive would set goals down here. Set goals about speaking Hebrew, about exploring as much of Israel as I possibly can, about not only reading but really touching and being touched by the people and culture and history of this beautiful place. The exhausted, yet to be emotionally settled Elisa can only think about how great those goals sound, but how much better some quality rest time sounds.
So let the winds blow. I suppose I will try to follow them where I may without getting lost.
And for now, maybe the literal answers to this question can ground me so that I do not feel lost as I search for answers to the deeper, philosophical ones.
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