Life of Many Tracks

I came to Israel for many reasons. Many good reasons, in my mind. I had planned on studying abroad in India, but knew that I had little reason to go there aside from being interested in the culture and huge fan of Indian food and Bollywood movies. When I went on Birthright last January, I was incredibly intrigued by Israel. I was fascinated by the coexistence of so many different types of Jewish people in one place. I was intrigued by the passion that EVERYONE who lives here has for the land and for the politics and for the history. Jerusalem is the birthplace of the three major monotheistic religions, evident in a quick walk around the city. When I returned back to Wesleyan, I realized that I wanted to go back. I wanted to know more, to see how/if I could fit into Israel, to live in a country where you were proud of where you came from and passionate about your heritage, something that I have always felt to be lacking in the left-wing American world I grew up in. With a bit of research, I found out that Israel has become over the last two decades a hotbed for modern dance. Dance and religion together in an old, historically rich, politically complicated place that had some connection to my Jewish heritage? Really, what could be more perfect? I petitioned the   Office of International Studies to allow me to come even though I had not taken the requisite year of Hebrew, was approved, got into the program and am here today.
But I find myself constantly questioning WHY. Before I went into college, I fell absolutely in love with cultural anthropology. It shaped the way that I viewed the world while speaking to the respect and curiosity about other people and cultures that I was brought up with. I wanted to be an anthropologist. I was severely disappointed by the anthropology department at Wesleyan, but luckily fell in love with the freshness and openness of the Dance and Religion departments. There are many ways to learn about the world and I never feared the new perspectives that my two new passions would give to me.
Here, I have felt myself splitting. My interests in dance, religion and anthropology still remain. But they exist completely differently in these completely different worlds.
At Wesleyan, I can be a dancer even though I have no technical training and little knowledge of the greater dance world. I am taught to create and to think, to observe and to react. My dancing is whatever I make it and, as long as I commit wholeheartedly to that, I am accepted and supported. Likewise with the religion department. I am taught to write, to discuss, to engage with materials that I am given. But I sometimes feel I am lacking in real knowledge. At school, I am taught to be a person, and I am not forced to know anything other than my own thoughts and opinions.
In this world, maybe known as the "real world," everything is topsy-turvey. I have entered into a dance world where people came out of the womb with ballet shoes. They are technically trained and VERY aware of the dance world. They speak of Martha (Graham) and Merce (Cunningham) as though familiar with them. In fact, many of my teachers were in direct contact with many of the dance greats (something that doesn't impress me most of the time because I have yet to understand the greatness of these greats). I am often intimidated and constantly challenged by the idea that I might never catch up to my peers. But the question exists in my mind: do I want to?
I love movement, I love the human body, I love creation, I love art. This has translated easily into a love of dancing, a love of choreographing, a love of watching dance performances. But I have little real notion of where these loves will take me in the future. Normally I do not even worry about that - my "future" has always existed in fuzzy concentric circles in my head, not linearly. But here people speak of which company they want to join, who they would never work with, the ordeals of being a dancer.
I could have studied biology and run. I could have studied exercise science while doing yoga constantly. I could have taken tons of drawing and art history courses. But I am here, a dance major. A term with such different meanings at Wesleyan and in the "real world".
On the other hand, I have such strong anthropologist tendencies. A walk around Me'ah Sharim, a Hasidic neighborhood, awoke within me such a passionate curiosity about the lives and thoughts and relationships of the myriad of Hasidim living in the second oldest settlement in Jerusalem. I realized that I could be ecstatically happy if I settled in Me'ah Sharim as an anthropologist for 3 years or so and dedicated my life to learning about those people, then turning my work into an ethnography. In fact, that is EXACTLY what I feel like I have always wanted to do!
So, what do I do? It's like I have these two different tracks that my train wheels fit on so perfectly, yet they have completely diverged. How to connect them? How to not feel as though my time in the "real world" or at Wes are wasted as they are not furthering me on one track, but really taking me further and further away from the junction? How to handle this??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I. Have. No. Idea.